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Ahum, December 12, 2008. I'm tired. There, I've said it. And I'll probably never say it again outside of this journal. Deacon, I'm tired of the fighting and the fears, of being alone and missing you so fucking much! Only time I rest, only time I can rest is when I'm asleep and dreaming of you. And when I do... it, you, us - we become my reality, my only reality. You're so alive to me, I can touch you, and when I wake I swear I can feel your lips on mine, your flesh... if I were a more supersticious person I'd swear you're trying to contact me from beyond, you know? Hell, where do vampire's go when they die? Where do Vampire Gods go when they die?
I thought I heard you whisper my name... I woke with the echo of your voice in my ears, I. I can't tell if it's my imagination, my desires creating you in my mind, or hell Deacon, are you calling me to join you? God, that almost sounds insane lover; you know that right? And sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy here! And yet. Yet, I'm starting to wish, I'm starting to think. I mean hell, at one time I thought that the idea of vampires being real was insane, but if they are real, why can't ghosts? Why are you haunting me, baby?
Whatever, I don't care why. Just please, please don't stop. You're the only light I have right now, and even if I am exhausted when I wake up, those times when I sleep are the only times I... you are the only time I feel safe. Feel loved. Feel like it's worth it to keep going.
Deacon sometimes, when it's dark, and I'm alone here in our home I just wish I could give it up and go to you. I'm tired, baby. So tired. I'd never admit it to anyone, not a soul. Hell, not even you. I want to, so much. What am I doing this for? When I die, all that we - all that you and I worked for will be destroyed by those bastards that want to take over your legacy. They aren't fit to wipe your boots with their tongues, jackals, the lot of them. Maybe that's why I keep going. Just to make sure they don't win. They won't win, not if I have to destroy every one of them. And to destroy you murderers. I didn't, I won't forget, I'll never forgive. And I will find a way, before they put me down - before I go down. I will find a way.
It's Christmas time, lover. It actually snowed here last week. Made me miss New York, and our old place before it got blown up. Made me remember how it felt out walking with you at night. I remember the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, walking around Times Square and seeing all the bright lights, and sitting outside on New Years Eve, watching the fire works while snow fell on our skin and we made such love in the hot tub. Hell, I haven't even put up a Christmas tree. O'Connor says I should, he keeps telling me that I must keep up appearances, must make the other's think that all is normal, all is well. He's trying to help me, I know that. But I don't want to, and I won't. Let them think I'm too busy this year, let them believe that I still mourn you instead of being resigned to my future. It's the truth! It's probably the only truth that I have left.
I miss you Deacon. And where ever you are, where ever you went, oh gods I wish I were with you.
I thought I heard you whisper my name... I woke with the echo of your voice in my ears, I. I can't tell if it's my imagination, my desires creating you in my mind, or hell Deacon, are you calling me to join you? God, that almost sounds insane lover; you know that right? And sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy here! And yet. Yet, I'm starting to wish, I'm starting to think. I mean hell, at one time I thought that the idea of vampires being real was insane, but if they are real, why can't ghosts? Why are you haunting me, baby?
Whatever, I don't care why. Just please, please don't stop. You're the only light I have right now, and even if I am exhausted when I wake up, those times when I sleep are the only times I... you are the only time I feel safe. Feel loved. Feel like it's worth it to keep going.
Deacon sometimes, when it's dark, and I'm alone here in our home I just wish I could give it up and go to you. I'm tired, baby. So tired. I'd never admit it to anyone, not a soul. Hell, not even you. I want to, so much. What am I doing this for? When I die, all that we - all that you and I worked for will be destroyed by those bastards that want to take over your legacy. They aren't fit to wipe your boots with their tongues, jackals, the lot of them. Maybe that's why I keep going. Just to make sure they don't win. They won't win, not if I have to destroy every one of them. And to destroy you murderers. I didn't, I won't forget, I'll never forgive. And I will find a way, before they put me down - before I go down. I will find a way.
It's Christmas time, lover. It actually snowed here last week. Made me miss New York, and our old place before it got blown up. Made me remember how it felt out walking with you at night. I remember the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, walking around Times Square and seeing all the bright lights, and sitting outside on New Years Eve, watching the fire works while snow fell on our skin and we made such love in the hot tub. Hell, I haven't even put up a Christmas tree. O'Connor says I should, he keeps telling me that I must keep up appearances, must make the other's think that all is normal, all is well. He's trying to help me, I know that. But I don't want to, and I won't. Let them think I'm too busy this year, let them believe that I still mourn you instead of being resigned to my future. It's the truth! It's probably the only truth that I have left.
I miss you Deacon. And where ever you are, where ever you went, oh gods I wish I were with you.
