Private Journal, Audio Disk 3, Silver Security encryption in effect.

May 6, 2008

I can't believe you're gone...

May 9, 2008

I searched the rubble myself, searched everywhere. Found hunters, found Salt, found weapons and tons of paperwork - but I never found you. I - I guess it, can't believe but it's true. You aren't coming back. Why didn't I stay that night, why the HELL did you send me away?

Why did I let you send me away?

May 14, 2008

Got, got hurt last night. Should have, could have - wanted to die, he didn't let me. I swear - I'll never wear these rings again. NEVER. I can still hear his voice, he's laughing at me, he - it, can still feel his tongue on my throat his fingers...

I can still hear his voice. God Deacon, why can't I hear yours?

May 17, 2008

They keep calling, threatening to fly in from the West Coast! Not even Vampires, they're - they are buzzards, come to pick before the corpse is even cold! Why the hell won't they leave me be to - I know, I know. I have the passwords, I hold your secrets, I - oh Bullshit! I only wanted one thing, and I got it - I got your love. Now I - damn them all!

May 18, 2008

Blew it up today. All of it, all gone. What does it matter anymore? You're dead, and you were the only important part... And I couldn't go with you. Getting out of here in a couple days. I can't stay here, you haunt our rooms, you haunt our bed, you - god I wish I'd died with you. I hate being left here without you. Only thing I can say that's good is that - the holding cells were completely destroyed. So at least, if nothing else, that bastard Blade died as well.

May 20, 2008

Flying out in a few minutes, just one telecomp meeting, and one last drink. I want to go home, Deacon. Back to California, back to where we walked on the sands and watched the shooting stars. I hate New York. I hate it for what it's done to you, to me. What it did to us.

Private Journal, Audio Disk 3, Silver Security encryption in effect.

May 21, 2008

Oh my god OH MY GOD, Deacon - she, she killed you Deacon! Selene, she has - what the fuck happened in New York! La Magra is in, she's, I was so scared, she, she - Selene told me, saw her tonight, she could have killed me, her hands on my throat and...

I'm so lost, baby! Can't make it without, don't wanna make it without you anymore.

May 24, 2008

I have a plan. Trying to get ahold of that British Vamp, Spike. He is strong enough to protect me, and he doesn't care about the infighting, any of the power struggles going on here. So I can build your empire, build it up with money, make it a real power and - I'm going to make it legit, you know? Cater to humans more, because really? Without you to feed, without you to care for and love? What do I care anymore?

May 26, 2008

Got called pretty meat today, Marrow is close to getting his overdyed head blown off. He - the things he said would have ripped him to pieces if you'd still been alive. He seems to think he's worth something, thinks he's big enough to step in your shoes. I'll kill him myself if he tries. But... he scares me. They all scare me now.

They all scare me now.

May 29, 2008

Deacon, I had the strangest dream last night, dreamed you were alive, holding me and telling me it would be alright. I dreamed - such dreams... And wouldn't you know - wierd as it sounds - Lacklan, O'Connor and a few of the others, the small timers - they actually pledged in blood to protect me. I don't get the joke, but they seemed so serious! I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop now.

June 2, 2008

Still having dreams, bad ones, good ones. Dreams of you where you're alive again, or still. I can feel your touch, hear your voice, I. Sometimes I don't want to get up, don't want to wake up even. But I can't go back. Not to what it was, what we had. I have to go on. I got, wow. When did this stop being my private journal and start being 'Letters to a Dead Lover'? Anyhow, got so mad at you the other night. Feel like everything's just been torn apart, that you were the pivot and without you...

Anyhow. I was really so very mad - mad at the world, mad at you. Mad at life. Was lying in our bed and trying to keep from screaming, I just - why did you leave me? And then it hit me, I realized. It's not that you aren't here for me. It's that - when you needed me, during the firefight, in the building in New York - you needed me there, and I wasn't there for you. Deacon, I could have argued with you, could have disobeyed you - could have pried or spied or searched more.

Deacon, I could have protected you, or I could have died with you. Should have, but I didn't. And now you're gone, and I'm alive and screwing everything up. Please forgive me?